Dulce Photography

I am a list maker. It started in high school, when my life actually started to fill up with more than just math and english worksheets and talking to my girlfriends about N’sync. (Gotta love JT). The agenda route kind of worked, but it was all about the checklist. I got it from my mom (more on that in a minute). Making a list, then being able to check things off and see all the progress I had made gave me a feeling of accomplishment, along with helping me keep everything ordered and under control. So at the beginning of this semester, I bought a nice big stack of post-its. You know, for my lists.

For the first few days, I had the lists under control. But they started to get longer. I knew coming back to school that this was probably going to be the most intense, difficult semester of my four years. I just wasn’t expecting it to be this hard. My lists started getting out of control. I would find myself not even checking off half of the things I needed to get done, which meant I would have to add them to the list for the next day. By the end of the 2nd week I was in full panic mode. And by the end of the 3rd, I was nearing my breaking point.

I’ve never thought of myself as weak before. Obviously there are parts of me that are weaker than others. But I’ve considered myself a strong person in general. Until last week, that is. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more utterly and completely helpless than I have these past few weeks. I felt like I was drowning in my own tears, and there was no one to reach through the dark waters and pull me out.

That’s when my mom – my sweet, loving, selfless mom – sent me a letter. I had hinted in one of our phone conversations about how stressed I was. She is involved in MOPS at my church, and gave a lesson on list making and finding peace in the busiest of times a few months ago. Funny thing is, I don’t even think she knew that I am a list maker. I didn’t know that she was, until she sent me the letter, including her notes  from that lesson she taught last November.

*Let me preface this next bit by saying that I am not trying to force my religious views on anyone. The thing is, this blog is not just about my photography, it is also about me, as a person. And my faith is a big part of who I am. I want to be able to look back and remember this time in my life, this feeling of hopelessness, and remember the words of wisdom my mom gave me so that if, or when, I fall into another black hole of helplessness I can look back at this and find my way out again. And maybe, hopefully, it will offer some encouragement to you, too.*

She started by saying that she used to be a list maker. When she and my dad first married, it helped her keep things under control. Make dinner, clean the bathroom, give my brother’s and I a bath, get milk… and if she didn’t get everything done, she would add other finished tasks that weren’t originally on the list in order to check them off and feel more accomplished. Time passed, my brothers and I grew up, and when we went to college, her literal lists turned into mental lists. Long, drawn-out, overwhelming lists of things that couldn’t possibly be managed in a single day. It brought her to her breaking point. One not so particular day, she fell to the floor and cried out to God, asking Him what to do, because she couldn’t do it anymore. Quite simply, He asked her to give the list to Him, to let it go. And then, taking it one thing at time, let Him dictate the list. Let Him tell her what she should do next. Whether it was paint the railing, do her Bible Study, call her parents, help me with wedding plans, or anything else she had on her list, she would finish one chore and ask Him what to do next.

For me, this means that when I am freaking out because I have to work on my senior show and print pictures for one photography class and write a paper for another photography class and read for a gen. ed. class … I stop, take a deep breath, and ask God what do to, what to focus on. After I’ve worked on one thing for a bit, I ask Him what to do next. And it was that easy, right there in front of me the whole time. I am not strong enough to get through this semester on my own. I know that it is going to be a lot of work, and that even with this revelation it’s not going to be easy. But now I’m not afraid that I won’t make it. I know that I can do it if I give it to God. It was His hand that reached down into the dark water and pulled me out. And it always will be.

Matthew 6:34 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (The Message translation)

For those of you who read through this whole post, thank you for allowing me to be raw and really express myself. This isn’t the type of post I will be doing frequently. But it was important to me to get this one down in words. And if this post helps even just one person who reads it, it will totally be worth me spilling my heart. I truly hope I can be an encouragement to others, because I have been encouraged by many, and we all need a little encouragement sometimes.

And thank you Mom, for sharing your heart and your struggles with me, so that I was able to learn from them and keep going when I didn’t think that I could. I truly don’t know what I’d do without you.